Friday, March 28, 2003
here i am waiting, for no reason at all. waiting should just be crossed off the list. but here i am, all the same.
last night he went out. he just never goes out and socializes, so i imagine he would act the way i would if i rarely went out - starving for connection. i never see him out, so i don't know how he is. from everything he's said, i don't need to worry. he says he's a one-woman man, and that he loves me and when he's this way with a girl, all other girls disappear. i'm worried he met someone whose writing he really likes. that's something that might tip the scales. and if she were closer, that might be something he would like too.
I guess things have just been so up and down with us. some things so fabulous, some things so difficult.
i dreamed about dawn last night. she came to visit me, and met me at a party. i wanted to drop everything and talk with her, but she seemed standoffish. we went back to my house, and she wanted to sleep. the whole dream i was trying to get closer to her, but she was contained.
now that i'm thinking about it, i dreamed about her a few nights ago. my family had gone out to ca to visit her and her family, and when we got there, we realized they were all staying in an old bus in their front yard, which they had rigged up like a sailing ship, in true hippie style. scott was there, too. we were worried about where we would all stay, and i thought scott and i should sleep in a tent instead of on the bus/ship, but i realized i would feel isolated and i really wanted to hang out with dawn and her family and my family.
oh, the sweetheart of my college days. i miss her so much, and i miss everything she symbolizes to me. pure creative energy, love, beauty, honesty and clarity... so much. beautiful anarchy of the spirit. it's been so hard to get back in touch with her because of how intense our relationship once was. any tentative bond seems so ridiculous when compared to the strong, intense, deep, beautiful and scary place we once inhabited. we still say, though, that when we are old ladies, we'll find a cottage on the sea and live there, and paint and write and bake bread and go for long walks. i wish i lived nearer to her now. that's a real theme in my life, one of missing my girlfriends who live elsewhere.
and w, who i'm in touch with sporadically, saying "all my love" and "don't say that - it reminds me of my crush on your 17-year-old-self" - rainer maria rilke, langston hughes, i owe them all to w. and he and i had a crazy idea that we would marry sometime in our 40s. although, when my 18 year old self imagined that, he and i both looked the same in the future as we did then.
so there was the call, in response to my silly email.
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last night he went out. he just never goes out and socializes, so i imagine he would act the way i would if i rarely went out - starving for connection. i never see him out, so i don't know how he is. from everything he's said, i don't need to worry. he says he's a one-woman man, and that he loves me and when he's this way with a girl, all other girls disappear. i'm worried he met someone whose writing he really likes. that's something that might tip the scales. and if she were closer, that might be something he would like too.
I guess things have just been so up and down with us. some things so fabulous, some things so difficult.
i dreamed about dawn last night. she came to visit me, and met me at a party. i wanted to drop everything and talk with her, but she seemed standoffish. we went back to my house, and she wanted to sleep. the whole dream i was trying to get closer to her, but she was contained.
now that i'm thinking about it, i dreamed about her a few nights ago. my family had gone out to ca to visit her and her family, and when we got there, we realized they were all staying in an old bus in their front yard, which they had rigged up like a sailing ship, in true hippie style. scott was there, too. we were worried about where we would all stay, and i thought scott and i should sleep in a tent instead of on the bus/ship, but i realized i would feel isolated and i really wanted to hang out with dawn and her family and my family.
oh, the sweetheart of my college days. i miss her so much, and i miss everything she symbolizes to me. pure creative energy, love, beauty, honesty and clarity... so much. beautiful anarchy of the spirit. it's been so hard to get back in touch with her because of how intense our relationship once was. any tentative bond seems so ridiculous when compared to the strong, intense, deep, beautiful and scary place we once inhabited. we still say, though, that when we are old ladies, we'll find a cottage on the sea and live there, and paint and write and bake bread and go for long walks. i wish i lived nearer to her now. that's a real theme in my life, one of missing my girlfriends who live elsewhere.
and w, who i'm in touch with sporadically, saying "all my love" and "don't say that - it reminds me of my crush on your 17-year-old-self" - rainer maria rilke, langston hughes, i owe them all to w. and he and i had a crazy idea that we would marry sometime in our 40s. although, when my 18 year old self imagined that, he and i both looked the same in the future as we did then.
so there was the call, in response to my silly email.
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Thursday, March 27, 2003
i've been having the strangest dreams lately. the other night, i dreamed that i was crying, and i asked jno if he knew anything about death, and he looked at me and started crying too. that's when i remembered (in the dream) that both his father and mother had died when he was young. we looked at each other and cried. my heart was full and heavy. then later that same night, i dreamed that i was trying to kiss mx and he didn't want me to kiss him. but he was being coy about it all the same, so i kept trying to kiss him.
last night i dreamed that a beautiful latin boy had started smoking, and i tried to use his beautiful younger sister as a reason why he shouldn't smoke - because she worshipped him and didn't want to see him die, and would perhaps take up his habit. then some neighbors came by and gave us their dog as a present. then i remembered that i had bought some new sandals, but i left them in m's car.
reading other blogs of people similar to me has been fascinating. i've been so passive lately, passively taking in information instead of putting it out in some form. i guess it's just where i'm at right now.
thought this morning: how does anyone ever afford an audi? how does anyone ever find what they love to do so much that they put enough energy into their job so that they have $75,000 left over? left over from everything else in luxury lives. i don't get it.
some good conversations with s recently. there is such deep affection there and i still wonder if i'm selling myself out. worries.
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last night i dreamed that a beautiful latin boy had started smoking, and i tried to use his beautiful younger sister as a reason why he shouldn't smoke - because she worshipped him and didn't want to see him die, and would perhaps take up his habit. then some neighbors came by and gave us their dog as a present. then i remembered that i had bought some new sandals, but i left them in m's car.
reading other blogs of people similar to me has been fascinating. i've been so passive lately, passively taking in information instead of putting it out in some form. i guess it's just where i'm at right now.
thought this morning: how does anyone ever afford an audi? how does anyone ever find what they love to do so much that they put enough energy into their job so that they have $75,000 left over? left over from everything else in luxury lives. i don't get it.
some good conversations with s recently. there is such deep affection there and i still wonder if i'm selling myself out. worries.
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Wednesday, March 26, 2003
suddenly, having all this space to write, my mind is a blank. there are so many issues, thoughts, & ideas crowding in for attention that it's difficult to pick one to begin with. so many other blogs are a list of anecdotes. i don't have anecdotes in my life so much as thoughts about what's happening. so this will probably be a blog of thoughts, rather than incidences.
all i want to do is read. memoirs of a geisha at the moment, which is a fun ride, but isn't blowing my mind in any particular way. maybe it will by the end. at any rate, it's useful, as any book would be now, as a means of escape. nothing feels as it should in the real world. i want to dive down to the bottom of the ocean and drift for a while. come back up when the fireworks are over.
first i suppose is the issue of the beast, and how he says i trigger him -- somehow -- more than anyone else has ever done. that's the largest thing in my psyche at the moment. what percentage of him is monster? what percentage boy? girlie wonders how long i'll tolerate him. the thing is, there's not much to tolerate, usually. most of it (the relationship) is wonderful, which is of course never mentioned in his blog. he only mentions that my hair smells good and that i like to eat toast. and that he bought a $50 toaster in an attempt to salvage the relationship. i guess that's boy writing for you. at least this boy. this boy writing for an audience of his male friends.
it does make me wonder, though, if it's hard for him to acknowledge the good parts. i try to focus on them after he blows up. he's blown up majorly twice, yelling and calling me horrible names. really blowing his stack. i feared for myself, i wondered if he would hit me, but afterwards he said he never would. although last night he said he couldn't absolutely guarantee that it would never, ever happen. that would make anyone's heart beat a little faster... and not with love.
we see each other on weekends. for the past nine months, we've traveled 1.5 hours each way to see each other, virtually every weekend. so in some ways, we're comfortable with each other, and in other ways, we're still in date mode. best behavior. we're still sniffing each other out to see if this is what we want. he says he's never felt deep love for anyone else the way he feels it for me, and at the same time, he says he's not sure if he's interested, ever, in going beyond our weekend, long distance relationship.
so strange, this blogging. hard to let go and let the words flow, thinking some day someone might read this. wanting to stay honest, stick with the truth, but not wanting to say too much.
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all i want to do is read. memoirs of a geisha at the moment, which is a fun ride, but isn't blowing my mind in any particular way. maybe it will by the end. at any rate, it's useful, as any book would be now, as a means of escape. nothing feels as it should in the real world. i want to dive down to the bottom of the ocean and drift for a while. come back up when the fireworks are over.
first i suppose is the issue of the beast, and how he says i trigger him -- somehow -- more than anyone else has ever done. that's the largest thing in my psyche at the moment. what percentage of him is monster? what percentage boy? girlie wonders how long i'll tolerate him. the thing is, there's not much to tolerate, usually. most of it (the relationship) is wonderful, which is of course never mentioned in his blog. he only mentions that my hair smells good and that i like to eat toast. and that he bought a $50 toaster in an attempt to salvage the relationship. i guess that's boy writing for you. at least this boy. this boy writing for an audience of his male friends.
it does make me wonder, though, if it's hard for him to acknowledge the good parts. i try to focus on them after he blows up. he's blown up majorly twice, yelling and calling me horrible names. really blowing his stack. i feared for myself, i wondered if he would hit me, but afterwards he said he never would. although last night he said he couldn't absolutely guarantee that it would never, ever happen. that would make anyone's heart beat a little faster... and not with love.
we see each other on weekends. for the past nine months, we've traveled 1.5 hours each way to see each other, virtually every weekend. so in some ways, we're comfortable with each other, and in other ways, we're still in date mode. best behavior. we're still sniffing each other out to see if this is what we want. he says he's never felt deep love for anyone else the way he feels it for me, and at the same time, he says he's not sure if he's interested, ever, in going beyond our weekend, long distance relationship.
so strange, this blogging. hard to let go and let the words flow, thinking some day someone might read this. wanting to stay honest, stick with the truth, but not wanting to say too much.
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Tuesday, March 25, 2003
finally, a blog of my very own! i must be the last girl on my street to get one. now i can mumble, rave, and bore with the best of them. or at least with the rest of them.
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