Monday, April 21, 2003
i woke up in the darkness early sunday morning, and checked the clock, which sleeps on the other pillow. suddenly i realized that i didn't want the clock as my bed partner for the next three or four years. i wanted a human. a man. preferably s.
but s said he is pretty much certain that he doesn't want a traditional route. he doesn't want to live with anyone, even eventually. he says that might change somewhere down the road, but probably won't.
we can' t think of a logical next step for our relationship. so i ended it. i don't know if i did the right thing or if i threw away something beautiful but not-quite-right for an imaginary future. i just know that i've been doing the same thing each time - saying to myself that things would improve eventually. but sunday morning i guess i got tired of talking myself into it. no matter how wonderful it is, it isn't what i ultimately want.
so why do i want s in my bed? it's not just that he's warm and big. it's not just that he has pretty eyes. it's not his sense of humor or his funny little names for me. what is it?
sena would say that he's my imago. that could be it. it seems more subtle, more intuitive, more mystical, even. something about him makes me feel safe. his strength, and even - and this sounds strange, even to me - his ability to access his anger. even though he couldn't do anything when max busted into my house (his glasses were in the other room) i know it's there. i've seen it directed at me, and maybe i'm ridiculous because i've *only* seen it directed at me, but i know he's capable.
like his jokes about coming up here and opening a knuckle sandwich stand...
what am i doing?
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but s said he is pretty much certain that he doesn't want a traditional route. he doesn't want to live with anyone, even eventually. he says that might change somewhere down the road, but probably won't.
we can' t think of a logical next step for our relationship. so i ended it. i don't know if i did the right thing or if i threw away something beautiful but not-quite-right for an imaginary future. i just know that i've been doing the same thing each time - saying to myself that things would improve eventually. but sunday morning i guess i got tired of talking myself into it. no matter how wonderful it is, it isn't what i ultimately want.
so why do i want s in my bed? it's not just that he's warm and big. it's not just that he has pretty eyes. it's not his sense of humor or his funny little names for me. what is it?
sena would say that he's my imago. that could be it. it seems more subtle, more intuitive, more mystical, even. something about him makes me feel safe. his strength, and even - and this sounds strange, even to me - his ability to access his anger. even though he couldn't do anything when max busted into my house (his glasses were in the other room) i know it's there. i've seen it directed at me, and maybe i'm ridiculous because i've *only* seen it directed at me, but i know he's capable.
like his jokes about coming up here and opening a knuckle sandwich stand...
what am i doing?
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Wednesday, April 16, 2003
i haven't had a vacation in two years.
two years ago i went to LA with jlove for three weeks. that was fabulous. i met wendy, got confused by the ocean being in the wrong place, sniffed the beautiful air (full of flower smells and a spice smell i still can't place), got mistaken for a starlet, and so on. *that* was refreshing. *that* was inspiring and relaxing.
before that was my trip to puerto rico with m, which wasn't really an escape, because my life came with me. before *that* was the trip to puerto rico with my girlfriends, which was a bigger adventure than i ever imagined. every day seemed like three or four days. we rented a car and travelled around the island, staying in each town for a day or two.
first we went to the island of culebra, just off the eastern coast. we had forgotten that it was spring break, and hundreds of puerto rican college students were jamming the ferries. we waited eight hours and finally got onto a freight ferry, which pitched and dipped and made everyone aboard seasick. the ocean was beautiful, though, a luminous, irridescent blue. soft and shimmery. we stayed in an old hotel that had been ruined in the last tornado. the four of us slept in one large room - three in the main bed and lindya on the cot. the louvered windows didn't keep out the interested gazes of people passing by. there were geckos everywhere. the first day on the island we slept until the siesta, then went out in search of food. nothing was open, including the grocery store. we found a small bar where we drank virgin pina coladas until the grocery opened up. we ate at each of the three or four restaurants, and they all had the same things - nothing local - the island was too small to grow things on, and everything had to be ferried in from the mainland.
our visions of mangoes and avocadoes and bananas growing everywhere within reach was not reality.
we returned to the mainland on a passenger ferry - much more civilized - and near the parking lot, found a place that made donuts. homemade donuts. rich, beautiful golden donuts with sugar on the outside. i have never had donuts like these. they were luscious and actually felt incredibly nutritious.
we had heard that fajardo, the port town, became rather scary after nightfall, so we hopped in our rental car and pointed it south.
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two years ago i went to LA with jlove for three weeks. that was fabulous. i met wendy, got confused by the ocean being in the wrong place, sniffed the beautiful air (full of flower smells and a spice smell i still can't place), got mistaken for a starlet, and so on. *that* was refreshing. *that* was inspiring and relaxing.
before that was my trip to puerto rico with m, which wasn't really an escape, because my life came with me. before *that* was the trip to puerto rico with my girlfriends, which was a bigger adventure than i ever imagined. every day seemed like three or four days. we rented a car and travelled around the island, staying in each town for a day or two.
first we went to the island of culebra, just off the eastern coast. we had forgotten that it was spring break, and hundreds of puerto rican college students were jamming the ferries. we waited eight hours and finally got onto a freight ferry, which pitched and dipped and made everyone aboard seasick. the ocean was beautiful, though, a luminous, irridescent blue. soft and shimmery. we stayed in an old hotel that had been ruined in the last tornado. the four of us slept in one large room - three in the main bed and lindya on the cot. the louvered windows didn't keep out the interested gazes of people passing by. there were geckos everywhere. the first day on the island we slept until the siesta, then went out in search of food. nothing was open, including the grocery store. we found a small bar where we drank virgin pina coladas until the grocery opened up. we ate at each of the three or four restaurants, and they all had the same things - nothing local - the island was too small to grow things on, and everything had to be ferried in from the mainland.
our visions of mangoes and avocadoes and bananas growing everywhere within reach was not reality.
we returned to the mainland on a passenger ferry - much more civilized - and near the parking lot, found a place that made donuts. homemade donuts. rich, beautiful golden donuts with sugar on the outside. i have never had donuts like these. they were luscious and actually felt incredibly nutritious.
we had heard that fajardo, the port town, became rather scary after nightfall, so we hopped in our rental car and pointed it south.
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Friday, April 11, 2003
so he says, don't leave me. i say, you're the only one i like. he's away this weekend, seeing an old college friend. helping another college friend move. he says he'll try to come see me monday, on the way back, but i think it's a long shot. he says, i'll send you j's cell phone. no email since. now he's gone.
last night he was worried about me kissing other boys. i told him nobody else was remotely interesting to me. he worried about the party on saturday. he's shy, so he never goes to parties, while i love to go see my friends. whenever i mention that i saw an ex (the past few years have been sort of a taste-testing time for me) he says "kissy kissy!" and i say bleh.
he takes time off for everything but me. for "sick" days - beer and video games. to go see his one close guy-friend. but not for me. we've talked about going away, having a little weekend adventure. we've talked about it since we were together enough to talk about it. but when we see each other, we don't care where we are. we don't want to go see sights and sleep in a strange bed. we just want to be together. that's it.
the other night he said he didn't know what he used to do on his weekends before me. i said it's been a while. he said yeah, six months? no, mofo, ten is more like it. we counted it out on our fingers to be sure.
so i'm in an emotional void this weekend. i crave him, i want to smell his smell, kiss his skin, not anyone else's. i'll do the best i can. i have things planned, but i'm worried i'll go over to the dark side at some point. this week was already hard - something hormonal (maybe) was going on and i felt so lonely. such incredible skin hunger. jl came over at one point and rubbed my foot as i sat in the loveseat opening his present and i can't tell you how good it felt. just the touch of his skin. i still feel the electricity there even though so much else was wrong with the situation.
i know p got married in january, but just yesterday he sent me photos from the ceremony. and said they're expecting a baby girl in 5 weeks. something really struck me. his wife is really beautiful, asian, looks very sweet. they look so in love. part of my mind was whispering "that could have been me". it's not exactly what i wanted, but i'm still jealous. i'm happy for them, don't get me wrong, but i wish i had something more stable in my life that could lead to a family. and mayhe a puppy.
i looked at those photos for a long time. all the family - parents, grandparents, cousins. i tried to imagine doing that with s. i couldn't. i wish i could. maybe we're just not there yet, or anywhere near there. but i feel i need something more, and i need it sooner than he does. i don't think he'll ever be comfortable with the ideas of a family. when i told him p's news, he said - now he's going to go crazy. i asked why, and he said, when men have a baby they go nuts and have a midlife crisis. they get all freaked out. bad sign, i know.
some part of me can see myself settling down with m. even though he drives me up the wall and is the king of neurotics, i've experienced hominess with him, and i know it's good. i know he settles down when he has a good home life, and i know i feel satisfied in a deep way. i feel safe. i keep thinking that i wouldn't feel quite so on the edge if i was with m, he took such good care of me when we were toghether, and even when we were broken up (getting me the tv/vcr after i was sick). i wouldn't be so scared my car would break down, or that i wouldn't have enough to pay the heating bill. and i wouldn't be so scared of someone breaking in at night. sometimes i think having a warm body by my side every night would be worth just about anything.
my grandmother just got back from the hospital, and my uncles and aunts are taking turns spending nights with her. when my father goes up to stay with her, my mother says she is cold and has to get another blanket out! i wanted to commiserate with her about it, but she's still not comfortable with me sleeping over with boyfriends (even though it's been ten years or so of different boys?). she admits she's old fashioned, and that it would make her feel better if i were married. in a conversation a few years ago, my parents said they couldn't help it, but that they would feel responsible for me (almost as if i were still a child) until i married someone. strange.
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last night he was worried about me kissing other boys. i told him nobody else was remotely interesting to me. he worried about the party on saturday. he's shy, so he never goes to parties, while i love to go see my friends. whenever i mention that i saw an ex (the past few years have been sort of a taste-testing time for me) he says "kissy kissy!" and i say bleh.
he takes time off for everything but me. for "sick" days - beer and video games. to go see his one close guy-friend. but not for me. we've talked about going away, having a little weekend adventure. we've talked about it since we were together enough to talk about it. but when we see each other, we don't care where we are. we don't want to go see sights and sleep in a strange bed. we just want to be together. that's it.
the other night he said he didn't know what he used to do on his weekends before me. i said it's been a while. he said yeah, six months? no, mofo, ten is more like it. we counted it out on our fingers to be sure.
so i'm in an emotional void this weekend. i crave him, i want to smell his smell, kiss his skin, not anyone else's. i'll do the best i can. i have things planned, but i'm worried i'll go over to the dark side at some point. this week was already hard - something hormonal (maybe) was going on and i felt so lonely. such incredible skin hunger. jl came over at one point and rubbed my foot as i sat in the loveseat opening his present and i can't tell you how good it felt. just the touch of his skin. i still feel the electricity there even though so much else was wrong with the situation.
i know p got married in january, but just yesterday he sent me photos from the ceremony. and said they're expecting a baby girl in 5 weeks. something really struck me. his wife is really beautiful, asian, looks very sweet. they look so in love. part of my mind was whispering "that could have been me". it's not exactly what i wanted, but i'm still jealous. i'm happy for them, don't get me wrong, but i wish i had something more stable in my life that could lead to a family. and mayhe a puppy.
i looked at those photos for a long time. all the family - parents, grandparents, cousins. i tried to imagine doing that with s. i couldn't. i wish i could. maybe we're just not there yet, or anywhere near there. but i feel i need something more, and i need it sooner than he does. i don't think he'll ever be comfortable with the ideas of a family. when i told him p's news, he said - now he's going to go crazy. i asked why, and he said, when men have a baby they go nuts and have a midlife crisis. they get all freaked out. bad sign, i know.
some part of me can see myself settling down with m. even though he drives me up the wall and is the king of neurotics, i've experienced hominess with him, and i know it's good. i know he settles down when he has a good home life, and i know i feel satisfied in a deep way. i feel safe. i keep thinking that i wouldn't feel quite so on the edge if i was with m, he took such good care of me when we were toghether, and even when we were broken up (getting me the tv/vcr after i was sick). i wouldn't be so scared my car would break down, or that i wouldn't have enough to pay the heating bill. and i wouldn't be so scared of someone breaking in at night. sometimes i think having a warm body by my side every night would be worth just about anything.
my grandmother just got back from the hospital, and my uncles and aunts are taking turns spending nights with her. when my father goes up to stay with her, my mother says she is cold and has to get another blanket out! i wanted to commiserate with her about it, but she's still not comfortable with me sleeping over with boyfriends (even though it's been ten years or so of different boys?). she admits she's old fashioned, and that it would make her feel better if i were married. in a conversation a few years ago, my parents said they couldn't help it, but that they would feel responsible for me (almost as if i were still a child) until i married someone. strange.
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Wednesday, April 09, 2003
now it seems like all the conversations we have are pseudo-conversations. we talk in baby talk, we say silly things to make the other laugh, but nothing ever really gets said. it does serve a purpose, though, we're passing affection back and forth. affection and sweetness. but sometimes i need a little more. something with a little meat to it.
when i think about all the conversations i've ever had, and all the people i've had them with, these are so ... cartoonish. sweet but unfulfilling. i'm always left hungry for a little more, but i'm not exactly sure what i want more of. more of the same? or maybe a similar conversation with him that has some substance.
...we just spoke and i asked him about this... he said he just tries to make me laugh and give me some love. to play a little. that we both need to play on the phone and be light and loving with each other. i guess i'm just in a state at the moment, unsatisfied with my life in general, crappy weather, and him - my comfort - being so far away. most of the time it's fine, i like having the balance of intensely close weekends and then having the week to myself, but sometimes it gets to me.
in other news, i spoke with r and he said he definitely wants to see me. he's so optimistic and he lights me up. he's such a good influence on me. i hope he comes up dancing this weekend. that would do me so much good, if it were money i wouldn't ever be able to count it all.
i'm trying to find music that i can teach my class to, two mondays from now. i have ideas, based on trees and the breezes blowing through them and how they're strong but they sway. the suppleness of them. i think the girls will like that...? i hope.
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when i think about all the conversations i've ever had, and all the people i've had them with, these are so ... cartoonish. sweet but unfulfilling. i'm always left hungry for a little more, but i'm not exactly sure what i want more of. more of the same? or maybe a similar conversation with him that has some substance.
...we just spoke and i asked him about this... he said he just tries to make me laugh and give me some love. to play a little. that we both need to play on the phone and be light and loving with each other. i guess i'm just in a state at the moment, unsatisfied with my life in general, crappy weather, and him - my comfort - being so far away. most of the time it's fine, i like having the balance of intensely close weekends and then having the week to myself, but sometimes it gets to me.
in other news, i spoke with r and he said he definitely wants to see me. he's so optimistic and he lights me up. he's such a good influence on me. i hope he comes up dancing this weekend. that would do me so much good, if it were money i wouldn't ever be able to count it all.
i'm trying to find music that i can teach my class to, two mondays from now. i have ideas, based on trees and the breezes blowing through them and how they're strong but they sway. the suppleness of them. i think the girls will like that...? i hope.
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Wednesday, April 02, 2003
the call i had despaired of ever getting came last night. i thought he was in spain, or costa rica. no, he was in nyc - thinking of me and missing me. oh loverboy extraordinaire-- beautiful spirit, beautiful dancer. i can't wait to reconnect. i was infused with so much energy last night. so much thinking, so much remembering of all the great mystical dance moments we shared. now to partake of the manna, the ambrosia of him once again. and maybe get a big bowl of arroz con habichuelas just like his grandmother used to make in puerto rico.
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