Friday, May 30, 2003
still this stupid anxiety about him. i know i did the unthinkable, and even though i remind myself that we were rocky at that point i still wonder what it all means. the beautiful women he noticed everywhere. is it projection? it could easily be. i'm going in deeper even though i don't want to be, even though i know it's not practical and all the signs are definitely not pointing to kansas. but i'm going in. i'm feeling such deep feelings. i'm being such a fucking pollyanna and wanting to notice only the good - where will it get me? only time will tell.
i either trust him or i don't. i'm thinking that someday he will read this, there is always a chance, and i hope this all confuses the hell out of him. i pull the veils down around my actions, my memories, and there are more than seven. and i won't dance them off, not here. only in the secret place inside me where i'm honest about everything, even things i'd rather not be honest about.
i realize that if i trust him, i just have to shut up and trust him. period. if i don't -- and no amount of private eye-ing is going to help that -- i need to get out. or find a way, other than constant questioning, to deal. i just hate being in this middle place, saying to myself "on one hand this, on the other hand that" and weighing and measuring and keeping track of how long it takes him to get back to me on his day off. doing laundry. when i'm there it takes 10 minutes tops for him to run down and back. today it took 45. chatting with the beautiful brunette? why the fuck should i care? does it actually have any impact on my relationship with s, or on myself? probably not. wtf?
maybe my musings about the cuban guy have put me in this place. i think if i'm considering him, what to wear to dinner with him, etc., and hiding it from s., then perhaps s. is equally able to do the same. i think my fear is mostly based on what a facade he has. what a strong facade. and what it actually covers.
i'm going to shut up now, for my own mental health.
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i either trust him or i don't. i'm thinking that someday he will read this, there is always a chance, and i hope this all confuses the hell out of him. i pull the veils down around my actions, my memories, and there are more than seven. and i won't dance them off, not here. only in the secret place inside me where i'm honest about everything, even things i'd rather not be honest about.
i realize that if i trust him, i just have to shut up and trust him. period. if i don't -- and no amount of private eye-ing is going to help that -- i need to get out. or find a way, other than constant questioning, to deal. i just hate being in this middle place, saying to myself "on one hand this, on the other hand that" and weighing and measuring and keeping track of how long it takes him to get back to me on his day off. doing laundry. when i'm there it takes 10 minutes tops for him to run down and back. today it took 45. chatting with the beautiful brunette? why the fuck should i care? does it actually have any impact on my relationship with s, or on myself? probably not. wtf?
maybe my musings about the cuban guy have put me in this place. i think if i'm considering him, what to wear to dinner with him, etc., and hiding it from s., then perhaps s. is equally able to do the same. i think my fear is mostly based on what a facade he has. what a strong facade. and what it actually covers.
i'm going to shut up now, for my own mental health.
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Tuesday, May 27, 2003
either he did or he didn't.
if he did, it means that even though he did it, he doesn't *feel* like that kind of person for some reason. some sort of denial? if he didn't do it, it means that he doesn't think that he's categorically that kind of person. the kind to do that. whatever he did or didn't do.
or maybe it's some gray area - something he feels guilty about, or thinks he ought to feel guilty about, but doesn't. it came after the line that he hadn't done it that weekend... and that he didn't feel like one. or maybe its relief or an acknowledgement that he's not. but the "don't feel like" throws me. what can it mean? so long ago, but still, i'd like to know what category he's in. i wish i could just ask. but that would bring the axe.
so vague. gotta be. again.
it made me so mad, though. made me want to call noah for a booty call, accept maris' offer for drinks and endure his careful accent. as beautiful as he is. maybe his accent would turn me on if i listened to him alone, not in the middle of a loud party, misunderstanding everything.
i want to give him the benefit of the doubt. part of me has to wonder, however, if i'm being naive. if i'm noticing things and letting them slide, and one day i'll be kicking myself, wondering how i could have been so easily fooled.
some things are about interpretation. how can one thing look so different from two different viewpoints? consider the hair, for example.
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if he did, it means that even though he did it, he doesn't *feel* like that kind of person for some reason. some sort of denial? if he didn't do it, it means that he doesn't think that he's categorically that kind of person. the kind to do that. whatever he did or didn't do.
or maybe it's some gray area - something he feels guilty about, or thinks he ought to feel guilty about, but doesn't. it came after the line that he hadn't done it that weekend... and that he didn't feel like one. or maybe its relief or an acknowledgement that he's not. but the "don't feel like" throws me. what can it mean? so long ago, but still, i'd like to know what category he's in. i wish i could just ask. but that would bring the axe.
so vague. gotta be. again.
it made me so mad, though. made me want to call noah for a booty call, accept maris' offer for drinks and endure his careful accent. as beautiful as he is. maybe his accent would turn me on if i listened to him alone, not in the middle of a loud party, misunderstanding everything.
i want to give him the benefit of the doubt. part of me has to wonder, however, if i'm being naive. if i'm noticing things and letting them slide, and one day i'll be kicking myself, wondering how i could have been so easily fooled.
some things are about interpretation. how can one thing look so different from two different viewpoints? consider the hair, for example.
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Friday, May 23, 2003
all i want is a little sugar in my life. to not have to work like a dog every day.
i don't work like a dog, exactly. boredom is my biggest problem at work. so i bring a book. and when the boss is here, i surf and read other blogs, pretending.
but there's no summer vacation. no week off for holidays. i get tired of each week being undiscernable from the rest. i look forward to the weekend, and then its gone.
going to meet s's mom this weekend. worth it? dunno. last night, i can't remember what brought this comment on, but he said "how are you ever going to have a baby? they squawk all the time." i said i didn't know if i ever could or would, i didn't know if i could handle it - but mainly babies just lie there. only cry when they're unhappy. weird.
h said she was happy the m&j show was back on after 2+ years. made me nostalgic. happy and sad. thoughtful.
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i don't work like a dog, exactly. boredom is my biggest problem at work. so i bring a book. and when the boss is here, i surf and read other blogs, pretending.
but there's no summer vacation. no week off for holidays. i get tired of each week being undiscernable from the rest. i look forward to the weekend, and then its gone.
going to meet s's mom this weekend. worth it? dunno. last night, i can't remember what brought this comment on, but he said "how are you ever going to have a baby? they squawk all the time." i said i didn't know if i ever could or would, i didn't know if i could handle it - but mainly babies just lie there. only cry when they're unhappy. weird.
h said she was happy the m&j show was back on after 2+ years. made me nostalgic. happy and sad. thoughtful.
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Thursday, May 08, 2003
