Wednesday, October 29, 2003
today i feel a little alone and fussy.
ted has left for china, so there won't be the lovely distraction of his emails and phone calls. no french lessons for almost two weeks ... just living and planning for next next weekend. he and i won't talk until he meets me getting off the plane in baltimore. he's high energy, high maintenance. but very distracting.
on paper he looks like he would be the perfect man for me. but it's so hard to really feel out potential in such concentrated, high pressure (at least for a relationship) situation. i wish he was just some guy i knew, then things could take their own course.
i dove in and told scott about my idea last night, and he liked it. of course it all has to wait until i return from my adventure. this morning's email from him said nothing about it at all, when i thought it might. dating him is like dating a girl. i don't want to be the guy, but otherwise we'll just keep holding hands (figuratively speaking) forever.
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ted has left for china, so there won't be the lovely distraction of his emails and phone calls. no french lessons for almost two weeks ... just living and planning for next next weekend. he and i won't talk until he meets me getting off the plane in baltimore. he's high energy, high maintenance. but very distracting.
on paper he looks like he would be the perfect man for me. but it's so hard to really feel out potential in such concentrated, high pressure (at least for a relationship) situation. i wish he was just some guy i knew, then things could take their own course.
i dove in and told scott about my idea last night, and he liked it. of course it all has to wait until i return from my adventure. this morning's email from him said nothing about it at all, when i thought it might. dating him is like dating a girl. i don't want to be the guy, but otherwise we'll just keep holding hands (figuratively speaking) forever.
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Tuesday, October 28, 2003
well. for the first time, ever, i've had an idea. i mean an Idea.
i don't want to talk about it yet for fear of jinxing it: it calls for some things to go wrong first, so i have to wait and see.
but it involves spending more time together, without the tangles of actually living together, and only one change: my job.
i almost couldn't sleep last night i was so excited when the Idea came. i don't know if he wants it at all, and that's part of what i have to wait and see. if he comes up with the desire on his own, i can bring up my plan.
this is not fair to t, and in any case if i'm swept away next next weekend, it won't matter anyway, what i've been thinking.
but the thought made me so happy. there is hope. maybe in the spring.
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i don't want to talk about it yet for fear of jinxing it: it calls for some things to go wrong first, so i have to wait and see.
but it involves spending more time together, without the tangles of actually living together, and only one change: my job.
i almost couldn't sleep last night i was so excited when the Idea came. i don't know if he wants it at all, and that's part of what i have to wait and see. if he comes up with the desire on his own, i can bring up my plan.
this is not fair to t, and in any case if i'm swept away next next weekend, it won't matter anyway, what i've been thinking.
but the thought made me so happy. there is hope. maybe in the spring.
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Monday, October 27, 2003
i imagined him kissing me last night. his beautiful mouth. his beautiful kisses. opening my eyes and seeing him kissing me... . it was so beautiful. it was just what i wanted.
i called him yesterday and we chatted. he said "i felt blue before you called, but now i feel better." i replied "then i won't call anymore, because i want you to miss me."
i'm on a crave at the moment. i can't help it, but i don't want to give in to it. i just have to get through this weekend, which thank god is halloween and full of parties, then next weekend i'll be in d.c.
i haven't written about t yet because i don't really know what to say.
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i called him yesterday and we chatted. he said "i felt blue before you called, but now i feel better." i replied "then i won't call anymore, because i want you to miss me."
i'm on a crave at the moment. i can't help it, but i don't want to give in to it. i just have to get through this weekend, which thank god is halloween and full of parties, then next weekend i'll be in d.c.
i haven't written about t yet because i don't really know what to say.
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Friday, October 24, 2003
i'm feeling much better today. must be all the caffeine in my blood. or the fact that sc wrote to me this morning - he was on tv today! v. exciting. but also that he cared to tell me.
equilibrium. plenty to do this weekend. looking forward to a few days just to myself, to do as i please, eat what i want when i want, wear whatever the hell i feel like, sleep until i damn well feel like getting out of bed, etc. probably i'll end up curled in bed eating popcorn in my pj's, reading. blissful. plus shopping at salvation army and dancing both fri and sat nights.
great flirtation on email with k yesterday at work and in eve. gives me a boost, i'm so pathetic. t is backing off a little, he said i reminded him "in my special way" about the zen-ness of lao tzu and non-action. how he had been pushing so hard, thought we were meant to be. now he feels he's done what he can and i'm not one who can be pushed into love. although i do feel potential there, it needs to grow on its own.
one thing that really sucks is that i still feel deep emotions for sc - and with any new fellow it's impossible to feel those things right away, the feelings need time to grow. so i eyeball each prospect and try to sort out potential futures from surface clues. a hair here, a dna sample there. will love grow here? elementary, my dear watson.
meanwhile i'm trying not to get too fat in my sadness.
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equilibrium. plenty to do this weekend. looking forward to a few days just to myself, to do as i please, eat what i want when i want, wear whatever the hell i feel like, sleep until i damn well feel like getting out of bed, etc. probably i'll end up curled in bed eating popcorn in my pj's, reading. blissful. plus shopping at salvation army and dancing both fri and sat nights.
great flirtation on email with k yesterday at work and in eve. gives me a boost, i'm so pathetic. t is backing off a little, he said i reminded him "in my special way" about the zen-ness of lao tzu and non-action. how he had been pushing so hard, thought we were meant to be. now he feels he's done what he can and i'm not one who can be pushed into love. although i do feel potential there, it needs to grow on its own.
one thing that really sucks is that i still feel deep emotions for sc - and with any new fellow it's impossible to feel those things right away, the feelings need time to grow. so i eyeball each prospect and try to sort out potential futures from surface clues. a hair here, a dna sample there. will love grow here? elementary, my dear watson.
meanwhile i'm trying not to get too fat in my sadness.
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Thursday, October 23, 2003
personality fragmentation. sounds like a dread disease, but it's what happens during a breakup. the extrication of what's yours alone from your previous two-ness.
sometimes it feels like smashing a piggy bank to pick out the pennies. you get to keep the pennies, but there's no more piggie.
i've been removed from my frame. i have to put the puzzle of myself back together with a different number of pieces than i originally had. i can think of lots of metaphors to describe this, and i wonder if the metaphors help. they must, because i keep thinking of new ones.
i've just been taken out of a body cast and i need to build up muscles so i can walk alone again.
the first practical thing i need to do is to create new habits. where i used to wait for that first email of the day from him, now i need to do something else. like blogging, for example. and at the end of the day, there will be no love-chat after work. i'll have to think of something. something other than cookies.
my faith in fairy tales has been completely shattered. he's the first man i ever even considered wanting to be with long-term. and he didn't want me back. he's said he's in kindergarten where relationships are concerned, and i've already graduated. but the fact remains that he's more afraid of being with me than of losing me. and that hurts. that kills. i have a deep scar down the center of me where he used to be.
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sometimes it feels like smashing a piggy bank to pick out the pennies. you get to keep the pennies, but there's no more piggie.
i've been removed from my frame. i have to put the puzzle of myself back together with a different number of pieces than i originally had. i can think of lots of metaphors to describe this, and i wonder if the metaphors help. they must, because i keep thinking of new ones.
i've just been taken out of a body cast and i need to build up muscles so i can walk alone again.
the first practical thing i need to do is to create new habits. where i used to wait for that first email of the day from him, now i need to do something else. like blogging, for example. and at the end of the day, there will be no love-chat after work. i'll have to think of something. something other than cookies.
my faith in fairy tales has been completely shattered. he's the first man i ever even considered wanting to be with long-term. and he didn't want me back. he's said he's in kindergarten where relationships are concerned, and i've already graduated. but the fact remains that he's more afraid of being with me than of losing me. and that hurts. that kills. i have a deep scar down the center of me where he used to be.
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Wednesday, October 22, 2003
i have to convince myself that i'm doing the right thing. although all my arguments are rational, my heart is not a rational creature. my heart wants its creature comforts, which at the moment still means him.
there's nothing really more to say.
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there's nothing really more to say.
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i suppose it's best if i don't write him and he does't write me. ditto for phone calls. if this is going to end that's the only way. last time we broke up i said he could call me, and look where that landed us. it was too hard to break away from the familiarity, the comfort, of our phone calls, our connection.
now i feel something has been broken, has changed irrevocably. and it's probably best to capitalize on that change, to keep from backsliding. for some reason i feel cut off from him emotionally in a way i never have before. maybe i've finally realized the impossibility of this whole venture. maybe i've finally realized that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.
listen to me: "i suppose," "probably" - you can tell there's doubt. the one thing i can't allow myself to do is to imagine lying on his couch with him, talking, cuddling. the simple comfort of his body, his home, his presence. that is forbidden.
of course i know what made the change - me scheduling a date with someone else. i finally have a distraction to pull me from this emotional quagmire.
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now i feel something has been broken, has changed irrevocably. and it's probably best to capitalize on that change, to keep from backsliding. for some reason i feel cut off from him emotionally in a way i never have before. maybe i've finally realized the impossibility of this whole venture. maybe i've finally realized that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.
listen to me: "i suppose," "probably" - you can tell there's doubt. the one thing i can't allow myself to do is to imagine lying on his couch with him, talking, cuddling. the simple comfort of his body, his home, his presence. that is forbidden.
of course i know what made the change - me scheduling a date with someone else. i finally have a distraction to pull me from this emotional quagmire.
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