Wednesday, November 26, 2003
yesterday i came to work with the goal of picking all the lint balls off my red sweater. instead, i looked for jobs, therapist jobs - and i found one.
thing is, it's in vermont, at st. michael's college. my cousins went there. it's just north of burlington. but it's the first job that's made my heart beat fast, made me think that i could get up every morning with a sense of hope and purpose.
i sent it to scott, just to get his reaction. i told him i might apply "anyway" - just to practice. i said i had been imagining me getting the job and supporting him writing his book.
but my heart is still beating quickly...
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thing is, it's in vermont, at st. michael's college. my cousins went there. it's just north of burlington. but it's the first job that's made my heart beat fast, made me think that i could get up every morning with a sense of hope and purpose.
i sent it to scott, just to get his reaction. i told him i might apply "anyway" - just to practice. i said i had been imagining me getting the job and supporting him writing his book.
but my heart is still beating quickly...
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Friday, November 21, 2003
so i'm in love with a drunk. who will drink 12 beers in a night and not tell me why he couldn't call me back for 3 hours... then the next morning emails his confession.
what does this say about me? does this mean that i'm one of those drunk-opposites? who enables, cares for, sweeps it all under the rug for a few crumbs of affection?
(later... after talking with miss s, i realized: i eat chocolate chip cookies like they'll save my ass when i go home, and she said she also indulges in a little bit of her favorite thing before she sees her family ... guess it's nothing to fuss over)
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what does this say about me? does this mean that i'm one of those drunk-opposites? who enables, cares for, sweeps it all under the rug for a few crumbs of affection?
(later... after talking with miss s, i realized: i eat chocolate chip cookies like they'll save my ass when i go home, and she said she also indulges in a little bit of her favorite thing before she sees her family ... guess it's nothing to fuss over)
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Wednesday, November 19, 2003
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
i have to remind myself: i'm getting over a cold, i quit taking the little pink pill.
things could really be better.
last weekend in brooklyn was great. i'm nervous because it's kind of how i always wanted it to be, and it feels very daring to trust it. now i know that scott is buying into this relationship as much as i am. it feels good and solid and warm and loving. i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
ted sussed me out, and withdrew with an email. his intuition is telling him this is a good place to stop "before either of our feelings gets hurt." did he find my blog? or else he guessed that i wasn't very invested. and i think he was insulted by that.
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things could really be better.
last weekend in brooklyn was great. i'm nervous because it's kind of how i always wanted it to be, and it feels very daring to trust it. now i know that scott is buying into this relationship as much as i am. it feels good and solid and warm and loving. i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
ted sussed me out, and withdrew with an email. his intuition is telling him this is a good place to stop "before either of our feelings gets hurt." did he find my blog? or else he guessed that i wasn't very invested. and i think he was insulted by that.
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Tuesday, November 11, 2003
i didn't really like the way he kissed me.
but it was so good to have a warm, kind man next to me. my body responded in an animal way, against my will. dc was great, and i almost wish i hadn't seen it, hadn't lived the life for a weekend, because now i know what i'll be missing. i know what i'm choosing not to do.
i'm choosing not to have a boyfriend who wears suits to parties - and likes it and looks sharp, not stuffy. i'm choosing not to have a boyfriend who's bought a rental property to try it, and has cool people living there, and is completely confident about it.
i'm also choosing not to have a boyfriend who listens to celine dion, but that's another story.
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but it was so good to have a warm, kind man next to me. my body responded in an animal way, against my will. dc was great, and i almost wish i hadn't seen it, hadn't lived the life for a weekend, because now i know what i'll be missing. i know what i'm choosing not to do.
i'm choosing not to have a boyfriend who wears suits to parties - and likes it and looks sharp, not stuffy. i'm choosing not to have a boyfriend who's bought a rental property to try it, and has cool people living there, and is completely confident about it.
i'm also choosing not to have a boyfriend who listens to celine dion, but that's another story.
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