Wednesday, September 14, 2005
While I'm no longer stuck in the dark forest as far as love and relationships are concerned, I'm not entirely out of it either.
Someone is in love with me, wants me to move in with him, go to Paris, Brazil, show me all the beautiful things the world has to offer. This is all lovely, yes, kind of like a fairytale, but I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. This Someone - S from now on - told me a story from his boyhood about walking home from town to the farm one dark night, worrying about tigers in the woods, hearing animal feet scuffling behind him as he neared home and jumping out of his skin only to find it was just the family dog welcoming him.
I feel kind of like that. There are tigers lurking in the forest of my mind. Tigers who hide porn, cheat, lie convincingly. What happened earlier this summer cracked open my naive and trusting view of life in a way that nothing else had. Now I realize that anything is possible - fuck probable - that anyone can be anything behind a convincing and placid mask, so I don't trust anyone or what they say. Goodness now has to be proven, everyone is guilty, guilty, guilty whether they know it or not, everyone is on probation and trial, and just about anything is a good reason to panic.
This is an exhausting way to live! It's too soon for me to be in a relationship, I'm clearly too newly raw for it, but one has fallen into my lap, and it's too nice to ignore.
Has anyone else ever experienced the slow crawl back from a bad experience? I know time will help, but if there's anything I can do to help the tigers leave, or at least fall into a long quiet sleep, I would love to know.
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Someone is in love with me, wants me to move in with him, go to Paris, Brazil, show me all the beautiful things the world has to offer. This is all lovely, yes, kind of like a fairytale, but I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. This Someone - S from now on - told me a story from his boyhood about walking home from town to the farm one dark night, worrying about tigers in the woods, hearing animal feet scuffling behind him as he neared home and jumping out of his skin only to find it was just the family dog welcoming him.
I feel kind of like that. There are tigers lurking in the forest of my mind. Tigers who hide porn, cheat, lie convincingly. What happened earlier this summer cracked open my naive and trusting view of life in a way that nothing else had. Now I realize that anything is possible - fuck probable - that anyone can be anything behind a convincing and placid mask, so I don't trust anyone or what they say. Goodness now has to be proven, everyone is guilty, guilty, guilty whether they know it or not, everyone is on probation and trial, and just about anything is a good reason to panic.
This is an exhausting way to live! It's too soon for me to be in a relationship, I'm clearly too newly raw for it, but one has fallen into my lap, and it's too nice to ignore.
Has anyone else ever experienced the slow crawl back from a bad experience? I know time will help, but if there's anything I can do to help the tigers leave, or at least fall into a long quiet sleep, I would love to know.
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